weak and vulnerable
Monday, May 25, 2009
this feels silly, scratch that.. pathetic.
it's pathetic how my only outlet of what I feel inside, is this blog. It's ironic that I can type up / write down my innermost thoughts and feelings for everyone to read and speculate.. while I find it so hard just to open up to people that actually matter to me.
if you know me, you know I'm always joking around, you know I can always seem to make a joke out of something, and if not.. make things awkward. I've never been one to just, sit.. looking to nowhere.. reflecting. that is where the part of me that you've seen ends.. and this is the part of me that is hiding.. begins.
It's a depressing thought, but when I think it about it.. it seems like I'm all alone, like I dont have anywhere to go to. the person that I thought would understand me the most.. doesnt. it's frustrating.. it makes me want to cry. yeah, I'm emotional. but I hate crying in front of people. it makes me feel weak.. it makes me feel vulnerable. and there is nothing more I hate than being seen as a wimp, like everyone has to take care of me, or watch what they say around me because I might just break down. I hate appearing weak because everything else that I can do, and can do very well gets underestimated.
I hate having to be watched after. I hate being seen as the one who he left, who was abandoned.. desperately crying for help.
but you know what, I think we all need to be weak sometimes, we all need to feel vulnerable, we all need to cry out for help. we all need to be able to see that we cant live alone in this world. There's a reason every single one of us is put in this world. It doesn't matter WHO put us in this world.. all that matters is that there is a reason. One of those reasons are to help each other, to depend on each other.
But as humans, we are usually ignorant and prideful. Refusing to seek for help, for a shoulder to cry on, always frontin' like we can do this on our own. like we dont need anyone. In reality though, deep inside, we all feel alone. we all feel misunderstood. we all feel like the world is about to crumble in a split second. But it's our pride that's stopping us from shouting out, from screaming, from crying..
but we need to be weak, we need to seek for help. we need to feel alone. we need to cry.
we need to be weak so we can see our true strength. by being weak, we are able to stoop down and be humble, to ask for help. Then, and only then will we see our true strength, because we've managed to surpass the pride that has been stopping us from seeking for that help, to make ourselves better, for us, and for the people we love.
but it takes time, realizing these facts, doesnt necessairly make it easier. In fact it might make it even harder, knowing what you have to do without the slightest idea on HOW to do it.
it takes time, patience
we need to think, to reflect.
to figure out the next step to take.
we need to be alone.
I need to be alone.