before the sunrises.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
oh come on,
we all know who cries and who leaves who..
there are a lot of things to say to that. some, my brain can't even begin to process. it hurts to have heard it, i almost ran out crying. it didnt come from him nevertheless.. it hurt. I guess it was meant as a joke, maybe that's what it all really was, a joke.
But it's a joke, with content, with a purpose, a meaning. Just standing there, pretending like I didnt hear it, looking away so nobody can see the tears welling up in my eyes. Yeah, as far as the jokes go, we were all guys, and I wasnt the only girl there. But that doesnt overlook the fact that I still am a girl, and I still felt like I was pushed off a skyscraper when I heard it.
It got me thinking, Why can't I do it ? why cant I be the one to hurt, instead of the one hurting. The one having trouble finding the words to say, rather than the one anxiously waiting for what's to come next. Is it because I've fallen in way too deep, and to hurt him would be to hurt myself even more ? it makes sense, but I'm my own contradiction.
I love him, it's as simple as that. no ifs, ands, or buts. I love him and as cheesy as it might be, we share one heart, where half is his and half mine. We're truly connected in a way that whatever I do to my other half would greatly affect me as well. He hurts, I hurt. He's happy, I'm happy. He's sad, I'm sad. and vice versa.
The doubt, my pride. those are two things that hinder me from truly giving what I want to give to him. Nicely put, a truly admiring friend said:
it only means that your heart is more refined ... a good heart is a caring one that will not falter in its love ... something like that is special ... don't taint something special like that with pride and doubt.
Taint it, I shall try not to do. I promised myself that it wouldnt happen again. That the "next time" I will not have tears streaming down my face as the thought passes through my mind. But I realized, that the day that I successfully go through with this, would be the day that i know, I dont love him anymore, because only then will I truly be able to hurt him, and not care. Only then will I be able to make him cry and not cry myself.
Besides who ever said that he didnt cry ? because he did. That's how I truly know, that despite all the confusion, he's never stopped loving me, because despite what he said. His actions spoke louder, and kept screaming that this is not the end
Who said I never left him ? because I did. Im not too proud about it, nor did I really leave him physically, but my heart left. It had to, to heal. This is when we both realized how much we really needed each other, how much, we yearned to be together, as one. Despite being together in the same room, it wasnt the same, because our hearts were restricted to what we limit it to.
The tears, the distance and all the confusion that has happened has been proven worthy of the time spent because of the significant improvement that it's brought to us. After the suffering and pain, we came out stronger, and love each other even more.
We started out. summer 2006 with a love that had potential, as time passed it grew, through the tight friendship we've formed and the inexplicable bond we had with each other. after about a year and a bit things get shaky, words are said, feelings are kept, and April 2008 things get more complicated, it was all downhill from there [if not a cliff] our relationship was put to the test, a little hill if you will, which we managed to get through, scraped and wounded. But we got through. but because we were already so tired, and wounded a small bump on the road, attempted to finish us, and for a while I thought it did. But in under a month, we were back on our feet. not perfect mind you, and this is where all the hard work came in. fastforwarded, we're back together, and stronger than ever.
yeah, I might cry, sure he might leave. I'm not sure what REALLY would come next. whatever it might be, I know it'll happen for a reason, and things will only get better, it's always the darkest, before the sunrises.