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f y i

Blog since: APR09
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Mmm watcha say ?

So let me in
give me another chance
To really be your girl.
Cause when the roof caved in
and the truth came out
I just didn't know what to do
But when I become a star
we'll be living so large
I'll do anything for you
So tell me boy
mmmm watcha say ?

state of heart.
Sunday, March 22, 2009

A discussion about my 'state of heart' yesterday has really got me to think.

At first, it wasnt much really. it was something in the back of my head that kept popping in once in a while. I said it was constant. I was happy. and I was , I'm not gonna lie, I didn't think it would change this fast. One of the critical reasons why I was happy was because she came back..

Not that it was very chaotic when she was gone, it was peaceful. VERY peaceful.. we all got along very well.. barely anybody got in trouble, and it seemed perfect. but we all knew that behind that peace.. there was something missing. and I know we all missed it. she became a taboo in my house. The only times I would see her was at lunch, and sometimes they would nag at me for not talking to her, and keeping in touch.

What was I supposed to say ? They're stubborn, and they dont want to be the first ones to tell you to come back, so why don't you just put your pride aside and come back ? she was stubborn too. she has too much pride.. which i would not be surpised if it came from them.

It happened. All for something completely avoidable.
then she decides to come back.

Even that first day that she actually came back, she acted like nothing happened.. like she just went out, and came back like a normal day. It pissed me off a bit, to think that she can just walk in and out, away from us, and she comes barging in like nothing happened.

But what's important was that she was back.
nobody dared say it out loud. but we all missed her.

not even, a month.. not even a week. and she decides.. to tear the peace down again

It seems so unfair to be affected by things you dont take a part in.
That even when you play it cool, play it safe. try your best, to be the best..
it fails, you fail to make them happy. content. satisfied.

Worst thing is, they see right through all the good things you've done.
They see right through, and they go straight to the bad things.

It's like burying a dead body.. to forget that you've killed someone, that you've done something bad.. just to find, that even after all your efforts of forgetting and trying to make up for what you've done, somebody digs up the carcass, and brings it back to you.

forgive and forget MY ASS.

those 2 words do NOT exist in here. forgive, to be genuinely ok with something bad somebody had done in the past. 'okay' with it, sure. I see that alot. something I call, false forgiveness. but as soon as something else comes up.. you can be damn sure they havent forgotten

then the riot starts.

I dont even know what started it this time. Im pretty sure, they came back, with food for me. She gave me a hug, and he was laughing. Went back to what I was doing. The phone rings.. they both left..

They come back, and it feels like I was in an alternate reality where someone had declared it was 'opposite day' just at that very moment. She was screaming, telling him to take every form of communication down. That they all be kept with them. The phone rings.. and she is yelling at her on the other line.

And for someone who had done absolutely nothing she had to comment, on the computer.
Oddly enough, as I was about to write this post.

I have to get a clearer view of what's happening.
though Im scared to.

I heard her scream 'I'm going home!'

That's not a very good sign.

I thought everything was going fine.
I thought all had been resolved.
I knew I couldnt expect perfection.
It was all that I can ask for.

Apparently, it was a temporary fix.
and the war, the battles, the chaos. was still permanent.

How's the state of my heart now you ask ?
I'm at war ♪♫